Parker's Wild Blog!

  • If You Were too Cool for the Plastic Guitar in "Guitar Hero" This is Your Game.

    Posted by Parker

    Were you one of the guys (or girls) who stood in a corner while everyone else played Rock Band or Guitar Hero and made snarky comments like "That's so dumb!  It's nothing like REAL guitar?"  Well Ace, this one IS a real guitar.  And it's out now.  What will be your excuse for not playing this one?

  • Next Generation XBOX Hits Stores in 2013

    Posted by Parker

    Although I spend a lot of time staying active and hitting the gym, I spend just as much time on my ass playing video games.  It's sort of my vice.  Well, that and blackjack....and booze.  So I'm usually up on what's happening in gaming and will throw that into this blog from time to time.

    I don't know who this chick is...but she is clearly the only girl cool enough to trick somebody like me into marriage.

    The big buzz today is that the new xbox console will be announced at E3 in 2013 and hit stores for the holidays later that year.  The good news is you still have a couple years of life in your current xbox(unless of course you get the red ring of death)  The bad news is you may have to start saving now if you want to afford the new system in 2013.  They haven't set a price yet, but I'm sure it won't be cheap.

    Since that's all the info I have on the new xbox I'll end the blog by just listing a bunch of games I'm looking forward to this year:

    Saints Row the Third

    Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim

    Batman: Arkham City  (Mac-D already has this one.  He says it's awesome)

    Modern Warfare 3 (I'm a huge Call of Duty addict)

  • Since When is Involuntary Manslaughter Adorable?

    Posted by Parker

    If you have facebook I'm sure that you have seen the story about these two old people:

    If not, your wife/girlfriend has.  Ask her.  The short version is these two old adorable folks died after being married for 70 years and at the time of death they were holding hands.  Cute right?  WRONG!  The long version of the story (that nobody bothered to click on and read) goes on to tell you that they CAUSED the car accident that killed them by flying through a stop sign.  Also the old guy's license had been revoked.  If he had lived he would be a felon for causing the accident that killed her.  Adorable right?

    Oh.  And a quick side note.  The people in the other car were nearly killed.  One had a broken neck and severe internal bleeding!  But the only comments you see on facebook about this story are "Awwww, that's how I wanna go" and "that is sooooo precious that they were holding hands"  How cute do you think the guy sitting in intensive care feels because of this old adorable jerk who refused to give up his license?

    Here is my point.  Get the whole story before you start fawning over "true eternal love"  This is mostly for the chicks that are looking at their husband after reading just the title to this story and saying "Why don't you love ME like that?"  Now you can smuggly look back at her and tell her the entire story.

    Dudes of the world, I've got your back.

    -Parker

  • Things You SHOULD Be For Halloween

    Posted by Parker

    A few days ago I posted some BAD halloween costume ideas.  So this week I thought I would post a few that I approve of.  Starting with:

    Fat Batman: Nothing is as tragically comical as a fat dude dressed as Batman.  If his belly shows because the shirt is too small it's even better.

    Human centipede:  I've never seen the movie, but the premise alone is enough for me to know that this costume is awesome.  Plus some chick will have her face in your ass all night!  Good times!

    The front and back end of a horse:  While most costumes that have been around for years are lame, I feel that this one is a classic.  Plus you never see them anymore.

    Hot chick in a skin tight spiderman costume:  I just now thought of this one.  Why does it look like she is drinking a candle?  Who cares?  Do not attempt unless you are a certified "hot chick"

    Little Mac from Mike Tyson's Punch Out!!:  Old Nintendo stuff is making a comeback.  Mario is everywhere.  Little Mac is not.......but he should be.

    Emilio Estevez:  Only because everyone else will be dressed as Charlie Sheen.  Somehow it's funny to me if you are the one &##hole dressed as his brother.

    Whatever this guy is:  The fact that I have no idea what it is makes it better.

    The Homeless radio guy:  Remember this dude?  He was famous for about 10 minutes earlier this year before he got back on the crack and stopped being interesting.  BUT nobody else will be him because they forgot about him.  Until you show up in that killer wig.

  • Who Has the Cheapest Beer in the NFL?

    Posted by Parker

    I found this very informative graph online today.  I can't believe that there is a pro sports venue that offers beers as cheap as 5 bucks!  The most expensive I've ever seen was at a baseball game.  In Dodger stadium I had to pay over 12 bucks a beer!!!

  • Ever want to beat up mexican wrestlers with a giant purple sex toy?

    Posted by Parker

    I like to balance all of the manly things I enjoy, such as lifting weights, smoking cigars and fishing, with dorky not so manly stuff like video games.  I'm a huge Call of Duty fan.  I'm also looking forward to the new Batman and Elder Scrolls games coming out this holiday season.  But the one I'm looking forward to the most is Saints Row: The Third.  The guys who made this game pretty much looked at Grand Theft Auto and took out all the annoying stuff then put in crazy awesome stuff.  Check out this video to see what I mean.

  • Get less fat this winter

    Posted by Parker

    It's getting colder and a lot of people who have been out running or walking over the summer are about to give up any sort of exercising all together.  I'm not trying to shame anybody, it's just a fact.  It's what happens.

    Since staying fit and healthy is sort of my "thing" I thought I would use this blog to help people do the same thing.  I go to the gym a lot, but you don't have to.  There are plenty of things that you can do at home to keep from being 15 pounds heavier when we come out the other side of winter.  Keep in mind I'm not an actual dietitian or trainer, so these are just personal suggestions.

    -Read labels:  Why do you think fast food places fought putting the nutritional info on their menus?  Because if you actually spent one day keeping track of what your taking in you may be suprised that your body can function on a day to day basis at all.  Next time you shop take a look at the back of everything you buy.  Even if you only buy a few things with less calories, that's a start.

    -Switch to Diet Pop:  I know that the thought of this sickens a lot of people, and they are all afraid of it giving them cancer or something.  But I have friends that have made NO other changes to their diet other than drinking diet pop instead of regular and they lost a few pounds without even exercising.  It's pretty amazing really.

    -Walk that little bit extra:  It adds up.  Park in the back of the parking lot instead of driving around looking for that spot 10 feet from the door.  Take the stairs at work.  Walk down to your co-workers office at the other end of the hall instead of calling them when you have something to say.  These small things have a bigger impact than you think.

    -Take a multi-vitamin:  It fills in the holes from your diet and keeps you from getting sick.  Staying healthy has a lot more to do with what you ARE putting in your body than what you are not.  Plus, if your sick you are less likely to do any of the other stuff on this list.

    -Cut down the booze intake:  This one was the hardest for me.  Some people think that hard booze is better because it has less calories than beer.  Not really.  The real problem with alchohol is that your body stops digesting whatever it's working on and gives priority to the alchohol.  Anything else you took in that day just gets turned to fat because your body can't process both at the same time.

    These are just a couple things.  I recomend picking up L.L. Cool J's Platinum Workout.  I know it sounds dumb, but it's actually a really helpfull book.  I read it a few years ago and still use most of the things in it today.  The dude is over 40 and still ripped so he must be doing something right.

  • Hank Williams Jr is out. Barry Sanders is in.

    Posted by Parker

    By now you've probably heard about Hank Williams Jr getting booted from Monday Night Football.  If not, here is why:

    You can't really call the supreme head honcho of the military "Hitler" and think everybody will be cool with that.  Of course everybody is entitled to thier opinion.  And the opinion Fox had was Hank Williams Jr is an idiot (I happen to share this opinion).

    The good news from all this is that Barry Sanders will now be doing the MNF intro.  No, he will not be singing.  But I think it's great that he will be the MC for the Lions return to Monday night.  Especially with the energy behind the honolulu blue right now.

  • iSad. Without Steve Jobs Our Future May just Suck a Little More.

    Posted by Parker

    I never owned an iPad.  Not an iMac, iPhone or even iPod (I know I know, I'm sort of stone age)  Even though I never owned any of this technology, I still recognize that it changed the world.  Everybody has a smart phone now.  And even though they may not all be iphones, they are pretty much based on the technology that Apple pioneered.  The same goes for iPods and any other mp3 player.  Even Forest Gump was smart enough to keep his money invested in Apple.  Even if he did think it was just "Some sort of Fruit Company".

    Now Steve Jobs is dead.  And even though I never bought any of his stuff, I still realize that this sucks.  And not just because another human being is gone before his time (he was 56).  But because he was a human being that could have pushed us forward as a civilization had he lived a full natural life.  It pains me to imagine the number of things he could have invented over the next 20 years.

    I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS IS.  BUT I BET STEVE JOBS COULD HAVE INVENTED IT.

    Make no mistake, even if you are like me and don't own a single microchip of Apple stuff.  Your future will be a little less interesting without this guy around.

    -Parker

  • Don't be any of these things for halloween! No. Really. Don't.

    Posted by Parker

    It's far enough out that I feel I can stop a few people from making big mistakes this halloween.  Here are some costume ideas you should NOT use this year.

    ANY Celebrity who was recently in the news:

    I'm looking at you, guy who has that "killer" Charlie Sheen costume planned.  You think you will be the only Sheen at the big party?  Wrong!  There will be at least 10!  What's that?  You say that you will have a great prop?  Like Tiger Blood?  At least 8 of the other Sheens will also have this idea.  Unless you have an actual dead hooker in your trunk, you won't be the one who stands out.

    Lady Gaga:

    This has been a popular one for the past couple years.  This year will be no exception.  Much like Charlie Sheen there will be a TON of them.  And most of them will have a better outfit than you.

    The zombie version of somebody who died this year:

    In years past this one has taken the form of Billy Mayes, Michael Jackson, Kurt Cobain, Abe Lincoln and so on.  It's not an original idea.  This year the big one will be Zombie Amy Winehouse with a needle sticking out of her arm.

    Fat chick as sexy Nurse, cheerleader, cop, catwoman etc:

    Really?  I think we both know that this costume is not doing any of us any favors sweetie.

    Any guy dressed as a chick:

    Cheerleader, Hooters Girl and so on.  Guys dressed as chicks are not as funny as you think they are.  Trust me.

    Free breast exam machine

    This has never worked in the (long) history of this costume.  Also I got 5 bucks that says the guy wearing it was voted "Most Likely to Murder a Woman at the Bus Station" in high school.

    Adult version of a childs costume:

    Power rangers and such.  This is also where you will find the jackass who thinks his Sheriff Woody costume is hilarious because "He's a giant Woody"  Give it a rest dude.

    Any costume that should have been retired YEARS ago:

    I'm looking at you Captain Jack Sparrow!  This catagory also includes the guy dressed as a tampon, The Giant Bong, Towlie From South Park and Heath Ledgers version of The Joker.  (Nobody wants to "See a magic trick" you douchebag)

    Stay away from anything on this list and you should be fine.  If you already had a "great" Captain Jack costume planned, sorry.  You'll thank me when you don't get knocked the hell out by some dude who heard you say "Savvy?" a few hundred times.